Category Archives: Mancode

Mancode #127 – Answers

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: Someone asks you a question, and by some fluke, you don’t know the answer.

Mancode #127: First of all, don’t let on that they have asked a question no one thinks about, for that is why you do not know the answer.  Then, after making sure you do not call them out, you’ll want to sigh as if you are thinking of all the many possible ways to respond on their level.  It’s also a good idea to look around and sort of laugh to yourself as if some of the responses would be humourous, if only you could speak in layman’s terms.  When they ask you what is funny, the Mancode Manual suggests you say, “Nah, it’s just…” and then let your voice trail off as you shake your head letting them know they wouldn’t understand anyway.  If none of these tactics kill enough time that would cause the uninformed person to forget they asked a silly question in the first place, then finally you should change the subject.  Use the phrase, “By the way…” and then follow it up with a bit of sports talk.  That way, they feel as if they have led the conversation on to manlier things.

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Mancode #89 – Twist Tie

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You are making toast for a quick breakfast one morning, and after you have retrieved your slice of bread, you accidentally drop the twist tie on the floor.

Mancode#89: Simple solution.  Don’t even think about bending all the way down to the floor.  Every man should know the ol’ spin and fold method.  It goes as follows:

1.  Grab the open end of the bread sack with your off hand
2.  With your dominant hand, gently grasp the bottom of bread sack and give it a good spin
[It is at this point you are creating an airtight seal for the bread that remains in the sack]
3.  Place the bread sack back onto the counter by folding the twisted end under the weight of the remaining bread

Now you have ensured that your bread will not go bad overnight and you won’t have to bend down and fiddle with that twist tie like a sucker.

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Mancode #207 – Starting Your Lousy Car

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: Your vehicle is beginning to show signs of old age.  Every time you get into it and are ready to go somewhere, you have to subject the people around you to the sound of a vehicle that takes forever to start.  That classic sound of a vehicle in distress fills the air:
naggina naggina naggina naggina naggina naggina naggina.  (Trying again) naggina naggina naggina *choke* naggina *sputter* naggina naggina *choke sputter* naggina naggina *sputter sputter POP POP* VRROOOOOMMM (this sound may be accompanied by a dark and toxic cloud exploding from the exhaust pipe)!!

Mancode#207: This one is simple.  Exit the vehicle and act like it is not yours.  Wait for people to clear the area and then try to start your car again, then you can drive away in shame.  After making a few wrong turns to lose anyone that may be following you, make your way over to the auto parts store…if you dare.

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Mancode #613 – The Purse Hold

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: Your wife or your lady friend hands you her purse to hold while she performs some non purse-holding task.

Mancode#613: Never throw the strap over your shoulder and wear it like it is a normal accessory for you.  This could draw the wrong kind of attention or cause people to think of you in a sub-dude sort of way.  The proper way to handle this situation is to grasp the purse from underneath and hold it awkwardly and away from your body as if it were a steaming bag of something gross.  When she ceases her non purse-holding task, return it to her with a cooperative smile and a slight look of disgust.  Just don’t overdo it or you may not be hanging out with her for very long.

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Mancode #97 – Ankle

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You roll your ankle in an athletic event.

Mancode#97: It’s a given that you finish the game.  No questions.  If there is a bone sticking out of your ankle-area, use it for traction.  Grin and bear it.  You are only allowed to grimace and moan about it later.  After the game when you make those sounds, it is a prompt for your friends to ask what is wrong.  That is your cue to reveal the true pain you are experiencing and makes for an excellent moment to relive your heroic efforts on the court or on the field.

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Mancode – Adolescent Edition

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

It takes some time to become a full-fledged man.  As men, we spent loads of time in that wonderful phase called adolescence.  Here are a few rules of the adolescent soon-to-be-man:

1.  Though you want to shave, do not.  Everyone loves a thinstache — especially your mom.

2.  Make sure you stock up on muscle shirts so that you can display your newly formed biceps.

3.  Check daily on the progress of your underarm hair.

4.  Don’t shout for joy the first time someone confuses you for your dad when you answer the phone.  Keep it cool.  Soon they will stop confusing you for your  mom.

5.  Make sure you choose your first gold chain necklace carefully.

6.  Girls love it when you tease them just like you did in the 3rd grade.

7.  Make sure you are always ready to have a chip on your shoulder.

8.  You must always be prepared to flex your arm if a girl should happen to come into contact with you.

9.  When your teacher calls on you in class, be sure you answer with a voice that is deeper that your normal everyday-talking-voice.

10.  Take comfort in the fact that none of your other guy friends are going to be as awesome as you.

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Mancode #541 – A Big Move

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: One of your friends asks for your help.  Your friend is moving to another apartment and it will require a large sofa ascending many flights of stairs.  Your friend is also a girl.

Mancode#541: Obviously, if your friend who happens to be a girl asks you to help her move, she thinks you at least have some level of strength.  You don’t want to disappoint.  You take on the part of the chivalrous hero.  You pick up every box with gusto, even if you are out of gas.  You yank the boxes marked “heavy” from the floor, even if you blow out your L9 vertebrae.  You attempt to muscle that sofa up the stairs yourself, even if you end up at the bottom of the stairwell with a crushed sternum.  If that should happen, get to your feet quickly and just limp a little bit.  That way, she’ll wonder why you are limping and not notice the blood in the corners of your mouth.  Also, she probably will not notice the wheezing whilst you are trying to breathe.

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