As a dear friend and I cleaned out an old barn at my house, we made many discoveries. We found a crocodile skin (neck to tail — someone took the head), old records, vintage copies of Outdoor Life (and many other titles), and for whatever reason, thousands of sea shells. Apparently, the previous occupants of my home stored their treasures in that barn and then forgot to take them when they moved.
As we were going through the boxes and the mounds of rodent feces, one magazine caught my eye (my eye that was caked with dust and was burning). I began to peruse the 1960’s magazine called Pageant. The pages fell open to an ad that most definitely would not appear in any publication today. I will let the ad speak for itself.
When I was a kid, I watched my Mom and my Dad and began to itemize things that proved you were an adult.
Here is my abridged list
- You are up before anyone/everyone else
- You sigh at foolishness, tomfoolery, lolligagging or general ridiculosity
- You wrote checks
- You can stay up late
- You can seemingly buy whatever you want because you made the money
- You seem to know everything about everything
- You have the power to bring children to tears with one stern look
- Your joints crack
- You also sigh right after you stand because you are now on your way to something that stole your resting time
- You possess the ability to fall asleep in 2 minutes once in bed
- You possess the ability to fall asleep when seated in your favourite chair in 1 minute
- You have a pronounced Adam’s apple (if you are a dude)
- You seem to always have something heavy on your mind
- You seem to always be doing something to take your mind off of heavy things
- You are affected adversely by certain foods
- You affect everyone adversely because you ate a certain food
- You could care less that GI Joe the television series was interrupted by the top story on the 5 o’clock news
- You have a perpetual saved seat in your recliner, and no one can buck that system
- You don’t play with matches after your kids go to bed unlike your kids who turn into pyros once your bedroom light is off
- You really need glasses or people could die
- You secretly wish you could be a kid again
Every now and again I find books that are too intriguing to pass over. I made such discovery recently while going through some old belongings. This “illustrated, no-nonsense manual by two experts in the field of negotiation” apparently teaches you how to “read a person like a book”. It examines common gestures and teaches you “how to spot the hidden social, sexual and emotional messages that we all send to each other with our bodies”.
I must confess, at first I thought the whole thing was ridiculous. But the more I read and thought about body language, the more fascinating it became. The “dramatic illustrations”, however, were not fascinating. They were hilarious.
This bit of body language is called the “sideways glance”. It displays a distrusting attitude.
I think that the only attitude being displayed here comes in the form of that sweet jacket that I can only assume is brushed suede. The frills on the edges of the garment scream “I smell like Brut cologne and cigarettes. Let’s head out to my van and I will let you kiss me.”
This illustration can be found in How to Read a Person Like a Book by Gerald I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero
Published by Pocket Books in 1971
This last weekend, I took a short trip to visit my hometown of London, Ohio.
There were so many things that happened that I cannot begin to expound upon them all, nor would I dare subject you to some.
I can say this — there is nothing more startling than to be using the facilities at a grungy truck stop in the wee hours and to hear this announced over the speakers:
To be said in a loud, strange and masculine computer voice
“Customer number [pause] 80, your shower is ready. Please make your way to stall number [pause] 9.” Then repeat.
I know. Truckers have to shower too. Even at 2 am. Just whisper discreetly to him that his shower is ready. On second thought, you probably shouldn’t do that either.
Do you remember ever asking for an adhesive bandage? Probably not. I bet you remember asking for a Band Aid. That is one of the finest examples of branding of which I am aware. Band Aid has commercials, jingles, print ads and the like, all reminding us of the same thing — when you get cut, you don’t need an adhesive bandage, you need a Band Aid.
It is my desire to be that branded. The name Kevin will in fact be so branded, that it will replace many of the common words we know today as well as every name that gives us our identity.
[On a crowded street corner, two friends greet one another as they have for the last 10 years]
Bill: Well good morning, Kevin! Are you having a Kevin day?
Jordan: Indeed I am Kevin. This morning, my little Kevin made a Kevin and I was like, “KEVIN! Why did you do that?”
Bill: (confused and refusing to show it) That is Kevin, Kevin. Will you take all of your Kevin out on Kevin?
Jordan: (also confused but beginning to show it) Uh… not sure yet. So, I am gonna go Kevin your Kevin.
Bill: (growing angry) What did you just say to Kevin?
Jordan: (nervous) I said, “I am gonna go…Kevin your…Kevin”?
Bill: Like Kevin you will.
(Bill reaches for a Kevin and Kevins Kevin right there in front of a large crowd of Kevin)
[Fade to black]
Should I be concerned? Should I be worried? My all-time favourite pizza is Donatos, and I am beginning to wonder if they have altered their delicious ingredients. If they have changed their recipe, it does not agree with my system. Every single time I alone eat an entire large pizza (original crust, green olives and pepperoni), here is what happens:
- Usually an hour after eating, I develop an unquenchable thirst and find myself drinking gallons of water
- I develop a bloated feeling that can be painful
- I feel nauseous
- I feel as though my blood has changed into some sort of salty solution
- I am pretty sure I sweat pepperoni juice
- I find it hard to sleep, usually waking up in the middle of the night feeling as if my heart is trying to pass a grapefruit through my pulmonary artery
- I experience a temporary loss of appetite
If you have insights regarding the apparent new recipe for Donatos pizza or if you have any thoughts about a medical condition I may have, please do not hesitate to let me know.