Category Archives: Gentle Musings

The Devil Went Down to Georgia

What would have happened if when the Devil went down to Georgia, and after taking the bet, Johnny stunk the place up with his fiddling?  Well, according to the song, the Devil would have gotten Johnny’s soul.  That would have been a terrible ending.  I don’t think I would “air fiddle” to the song anymore.  At least not at the part where Johnny actually hands over his soul.  But maybe I would when the Devil plays.  He actually plays very well.

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Inside Pocket

To me, the inside pocket was one of the most clever inventions.  I used it to hide gum and lint covered gum.  But I am sure that it had darker beginnings.

Guy with weapons in his inside pocket: Go ahead.  Search me.  I am innocent I tell you. (A wry smile fills his face)
Guy looking for weapons: I don’t understand…(patting down).  I know I saw you with at least 3 swords not two shakes ago.
Guy with weapons: I think you have the wrong guy.  (Another wry smile fills his face)
Guy looking for weapons: No!  The guy I saw distinctly had a large mole hanging on his left eyelid, preventing him from blinking properly.
Guy with weapons: Well, it is obviously not me.  You may have noticed that I have this patch over my left eye (points to eye).  I wear it because I am blind in that eye. (Wry smile developing)
Guy looking for weapons: Hmmm.  I guess you are right.  I apologize for disrupting your visit to the castle good sir.  I hope you are fortunate enough to see the king today.  He is due to visit this very court any minute now.
Guy with weapons: Thanks for the tip.  (Yet another wry smile fills his face)


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Prince Valiant

What is the deal with Prince Valiant?

Prince Valiant is that comic strip where what appears to be the main character sports a sweet black hair-helmet style.  It’s the one where guys are always fighting and apparently in a hurry to get somewhere.  It is the strip where the artwork looks really cool but way too deep for the Sunday Funnies.  It is like the LOST of comic strips.

So this Sunday, at least acknowledge the fact that you never read Prince Valiant.  You may also want to acknowledge the fact that though you carry the front page of The Local City Times into the bathroom with you, you never read it — the Sunday Funnies are tucked inside and you can’t wait to see what sort of lolligagging hijinx you’ll find in Garfield.

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Evidence of Being an Adult

When I was a kid, I watched my Mom and my Dad and began to itemize things that proved you were an adult.

Here is my abridged list

  • You are up before anyone/everyone else
  • You sigh at foolishness, tomfoolery, lolligagging or general ridiculosity
  • You wrote checks
  • You can stay up late
  • You can seemingly buy whatever you want because you made the money
  • You seem to know everything about everything
  • You have the power to bring children to tears with one stern look
  • Your joints crack
  • You also sigh right after you stand because you are now on your way to something that stole your resting time
  • You possess the ability to fall asleep in 2 minutes once in bed
  • You possess the ability to fall asleep when seated in your favourite chair in 1 minute
  • You have a pronounced Adam’s apple (if you are a dude)
  • You seem to always have something heavy on your mind
  • You seem to always be doing something to take your mind off of heavy things
  • You are affected adversely by certain foods
  • You affect everyone adversely because you ate a certain food
  • You could care less that GI Joe the television series was interrupted by the top story on the 5 o’clock news
  • You have a perpetual saved seat in your recliner, and no one can buck that system
  • You don’t play with matches after your kids go to bed unlike your kids who turn into pyros once your bedroom light is off
  • You really need glasses or people could die
  • You secretly wish you could be a kid again

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Road Trip

This last weekend, I took a short trip to visit my hometown of London, Ohio.
There were so many things that happened that I cannot begin to expound upon them all, nor would I dare subject you to some.

I can say this — there is nothing more startling than to be using the facilities at a grungy truck stop in the wee hours and to hear this announced over the speakers:

To be said in a loud, strange and masculine computer voice
“Customer number [pause] 80, your shower is ready.  Please make your way to stall number [pause] 9.”  Then repeat.

I know.  Truckers have to shower too.  Even at 2 am.  Just whisper discreetly to him that his shower is ready.  On second thought, you probably shouldn’t do that either.

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Dangerous Words

When I was a kid, I thought that if you cussed quietly into the kitchen cabinet, it would be okay.  I can remember carefully opening the squeaky brown door and whispering those dangerous words that fell gently upon all of our canned goods.  How silly was that.  Now I just open my front door and scream cuss words outside.

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I Wanna Be Like Band Aid

Do you remember ever asking for an adhesive bandage?  Probably not.  I bet you remember asking for a Band Aid.  That is one of the finest examples of branding of which I am aware.  Band Aid has commercials, jingles, print ads and the like, all reminding us of the same thing — when you get cut, you don’t need an adhesive bandage, you need a Band Aid.
It is my desire to be that branded.  The name Kevin will in fact be so branded, that it will replace many of the common words we know today as well as  every name that gives us our identity.

[On a crowded street corner, two friends greet one another as they have for the last 10 years]
Bill: Well good morning, Kevin!  Are you having a Kevin day?
Jordan: Indeed I am Kevin.  This morning, my little Kevin made a Kevin and I was like, “KEVIN!  Why did you do that?”
Bill: (confused and refusing to show it)  That is Kevin, Kevin.  Will you take all of your Kevin out on Kevin?
Jordan: (also confused but beginning to show it)  Uh… not sure yet.  So, I am gonna go Kevin your Kevin.
Bill: (growing angry)  What did you just say to Kevin?
Jordan: (nervous)  I said, “I am gonna go…Kevin your…Kevin”?
Bill: Like Kevin you will.
(Bill reaches for a Kevin and Kevins Kevin right there in front of a large crowd of Kevin)
[Siren noise]
[Fade to black]

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