Category Archives: The Trouble with Beards

The Trouble with Beards:7

Fact: Bearded men heal faster than the average woman.
Fact: Bearded men are more prone to facial dandruff than our smooth counterparts.

I have never been one to struggle with dandruff.  When I was younger, I sometimes used my father’s shampoo which was Head and Shoulders and every once and again, Selsun Blue.  Maybe it was because of my infrequent use of these products that I never struggled with dandruff.  At any rate, it was an embarrassing day for me when I noticed that there was a man in a coffee shop whose beard was filled with flakes of dry skin.  It wasn’t embarrassing for me because of the facial dandruff, it was embarrassing because I had just urinated in my pants from laughing at a friend who fell into a trash can.  The facial dandruff was bad, but not embarrassing for me.  Remember?  I have never been one to struggle with dandruff.


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The Trouble with Beards:6

At long last I was able to recline, enjoy a meal and converse with Greg Boone.  We shared a few laughs, a few tears and a few delicious steaks.  His steak was slightly more bloody than mine, but we put our differences aside and got down to business.

Greg, I’ve known you for many years and you’ve run the gamut of facial hair.  I believe when I first encountered you, you were sporting the stache — how long did you rock the stache?

Greg: I don’t know if I had just the stache when you met me… (trails off down memory lane)

Me: You just had the stache in ’97.

Greg: I had the stache for…(consults wife)  I think I had it from the time I was at least a sophomore in college.  From the time of say — 21 until now at 43, I have had at least a moustache on my face.  I’ve only been clean shaven once.

Me: And that was probably startling to all of your friends?

Greg: It was very startling.  My children ran — they didn’t recognize me.  Leanne would not have sexual relations with me at all until it grew back.

(a non-bearded listener gasps)

Me: (also startled) Wow…

(Greg’s wife, Leanne, delivers a flying Superman punch to Greg’s throat)

Me: You have run the gamut in facial hair.  You had the stache, you normally rock the goatee, but currently Greg — you are doing the full beard.  What is the community response?

Greg: So far it has been pretty good.  Once you’ve had the goatee, it’s not that dramatically different.  It does kind of change the jawline a little bit.  And of course I am growing the hair out at the same time.  It is sort of a mountain man thing happening.

Me: You are more burly than I have ever seen you.

Greg: I’m very burly.

Me: Now that you’ve had your beard for however long you’ve had it, what have you found to be troubling?

Greg: It’s probably the trimming.  Mine grows pretty far up (pointing to bottom of his eyelid).  It grows way up over the cheek bone.

Me: You always keep yours short — pretty close to your face.  I can’t do that because as you can see I kind’ve look like I have the mange (I point to my tattered little beard), but you can fill yours out and that is exciting for me for you.

Greg: Yes.

Me: Thanks.

Greg: You’re welcome.

For the full interview, click below for your listening pleasure.


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The Trouble with Beards:5

Fact: Bearded men live on average 100% longer than anyone else
Fact: Bearded men must consider the length of their beard when they get a haircut

There is nothing worse for a Beardy who has been sporting his beard for some time than to get a refreshing haircut and enter immediately into a public setting.  Not only is he in a weakened state from having his hair cut, but he is also susceptible to quiet ridicule.  The quiet ridicule takes place when people notice that your hair to beard ratio is way off.  Sometimes, on a lot of Beardys, it can appear as though someone grabbed your head and twisted it upside down.  This is when the hair on your beard is longer and shaggier than the hair on your head.  In beard communities, we call this the Twisted It Upside Down Syndrome, or TIUDS for short.  Most Beardys just say “TUDS”  because to say “TIUDS” just sounds ridiculous.
So remember TIUDS and keep your quiet ridicule to yourself.  Give the Beardy time to make it home and trim and serenely comb his/her face.

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The Trouble with Beards: 4

Jody DI sat down with Jody “Shoebox” Deming one Fall afternoon, and he began to muse upon life, liberty and the pursuit of beards.  His surely is a noble quest as you will find for yourself.

Jody, you are a fellow Beardy, true?

Jody: That is true.

Me: In the length of time that I have known you, this is the first time I have seen you with such an extensive beard.  When did you find that you could start growing a beard?

Jody: (A sheep runs through the room)  When I was 12 years old.

Me: 12 years old?  Did you start growing a beard when you were 12 or did you start with a moustache?

Jody: I had the thin 12 year old moustache for quite a while.  I actually could have shaved and had the beard but I just figured, “No, I will just go with the 12 year old moustache.”  All the chicks were digging it back then.

Me: In beard communities we call that the Thinstache.

Jody: The Thinstache.  That’s exactly right.

Me: Jody, you have talked of a dilemna recently.  You normally shave your head, but you have a beard now.  Have you made any sort of decisions about that?

Jody: I am thinking about being the “shaved head guy with a beard” — that may happen tonight.

Me: I look forward to seeing that tomorrow.

Jody: I live on the edge.

Me: What have you noticed that is troubling about having a beard?

Jody: The traditional troubling thing with beards is the food — that gets caught in here (points to face).  Sometimes I’ll eat a hamburger and a little cheese will get caught in my beard and it just drives me crazy. Where is that cheese smell coming from?

Me: It’s from your face.

Jody: Most of the time.

Me: Have you done any sort of calculating — have you found that you save money by growing a beard instead of shaving?

Jody: I am actually now a millionaire.

Me: So would you recommend that people grow beards?

Jody: No.

Me: Thank you.

For the full interview, click below for your listening pleasure.

Beard Trouble

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The Trouble with Beards: 3

WalterThe following is an interview with fellow Beardy, Walter Howard.

After having just filled our bellies with food from Zesto’s Grill (your typical Italian/Greek/American restaurant), Walter opened up and shared his heart regarding the highs and the lows of having a beard.

Me: Walter, you and I have known each other for how long now?

Walter: About two years.

Me: I don’t think that’s right, but for the sake of the interview we’re going to press forward.  You are sporting a pretty nice beard, is this something you do every year?

Walter: I usually try it for a little bit — usually about once or twice a year.

Me: Why do you give up?

Walter: (While gently petting a horse)  I usually can’t persevere through the itchy phase.

Me: When did you first realize you could actually grow a beard?

Walter: I think when I was seven.

Me: Seven?  That is pretty early.

Walter: (Approving nod)

Me: Now I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I think that you are a Connector.  By Connector I mean that you can grow a beard all the way down to your chest.  Is that true?

Walter: (Puts saddle on horse)  Unfortunately yes, yes it is.

Me: How do you know where to top shaving?

Walter: (Climbs onto horse and settles into the saddle)  I think it comes down to personal choice.  I mean, everybody decides how far they want the beard to go down.  It’s really about accenting the chin.  You want to draw the chin into it.  When I say, “That’s enough chin”, then usually I shave from there down.

Me: What do you find most troubling about having a beard?

Walter: It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.  I am pretty symmetrical — pretty detailed , so just keeping all those guys under control probably.

Me: So the fact that your beard is not symmetrical, that’s the most troubling part?

Walter: (Visibly irritated)  When it’s not, I mean, the effort of keeping it symmetrical — yes.

Me: Thank you for your time.

Walter: You’re welcome, thank you (Rides into sunset).

For the full interview, click below for your listening pleasure.

Beard Trouble


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The Trouble with Beards:2

ColeThe following is an interview with fellow Beardy, Cole Harden

I sat down with Cole at a crowded little coffee joint on the campus of Gardner Webb University.  I have known Cole to sport a pretty fat beard in the past, but this time, his beard was “neatly” trimmed because apparently Cole “needs a job”.

Me: Hi, Kevin here from Broad River Coffee Company right across the street from Gardner Webb University in… are we in North Carolina?

Cole: Yes.

Me: Okay, in North Carolina.  Could you please, for official reasons, state your name — your full name?

Cole: Brian Nicholas Harden, otherwise known as Cole.

Me: Could you please spell that for me?

Cole: (Begins to trouble me by spelling his name)

Me: That’s, that’s good enough.  Could you please describe for me when you realized you had potential to grow a beard?

Cole: Well, I guess I was…15?

Me: 15…that is kind’ve early.  Did you start with the Thinstache or go right for the beard?

Cole: I went all out.  I’m kind’ve lazy so I just kinda went with it to see what would grow.

Me: Now, with your beard, is it a full wrap-around beard that connects from the front to the back or is it mostly confined to the front portion of your body?

Cole: (Offers a humourously puzzled look)

Me: Does it connect with your chest hair?

Cole: No, I wish.  I’m not quite that lucky.

Me: Nor am I.  What have you noticed about having a beard that proves to be troublesome?

Cole: It’s not so much having the beard that’s troublesome.  It’s shaving.

Me: Mhmm.

Cole: That is the troubling part.

Me: So the trouble with your beard is that it interrupts your laziness?

Cole: It does.  It just keeps growing and I can’t do anything about it.

Me: Thanks a lot.

For the full interview, click below for your listening pleasure.

Beard Trouble


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The Trouble with Beards: 1

Beard TroubleOne thing I have noticed about having a beard:  things don’t fall away from your face.  They tend to cling.  And when you finally discover that fact — it is too late.  Everyone saw the crap dangling from your face.

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